My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
junejuly12 / Via twitter.com

Traveling with your husband is fun because no matter where you go you’ll still end up in a Wal-Mart buying the one thing he was entrusted to pack.
MaryJustice86 / Via twitter.com

My wife likes to keep the mystery in our relationship.
For example, I never know what is going to arrive for her from Amazon today.
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.
MaryJustice86 / Via twitter.com

My wife told me that to revive the spark in our marriage I should start treating her like I did when we first started dating so last night I took her to a movie and dropped her off at her parents house.
supermarkusa / Via twitter.com

Me: you’re mad at me?
Wife: no, not even sure why you would say that.
Me: I can tell by the sound of you putting the plates away.
Wife: fu*k you and fu*k those plates.
Me: there it is.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com

My wife and I have an agreement: I get to hold the remote and she gets to make every other decision in our lives.
Cheeseboy22 / Via twitter.com

Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn’t exist.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.
MaryJustice86 / Via twitter.com

There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me
smartass_moms / Via twitter.com

I ask my husband what show he wants to watch even though I’m going to choose because it’s important for him to feel like his opinion matters even though it really doesn’t.
sixfootcandy / Via twitter.com

-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Megatronic13 / Via twitter.com

Toddler: *tantrum*
Husband: *gives her chocolate*
Me: How did you know?
Me: What the fu*k I am so done with today I feel like sh*t I hate the kids…
Husband: *gives me chocolate*
Me: Oh
mom_ontherocks / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: E! Entertainment Television