Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
kica333 / Via twitter.com

Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

Adult friendship = 2 people saying “I haven’t seen you in forever! We should really hang out more” over and over again until one of you dies.
Doughbvy / Via twitter.com

Sorry I’m late I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour staring at the wall.
pey_diddy / Via twitter.com

The gym we go to has childcare for up to 90 minutes.
Dropping my kids off: BYE BABES LOVE YOU!
Them: Have a nice workout mom!!
Me: *showers for 90 minutes*
kaL12578 / Via twitter.com

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
_troyjohnson / Via twitter.com

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby :)
molly7anne / Via twitter.com

2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later.
2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich.
dfarella / Via twitter.com

[hardware store]
Employee: Do you need help finding anything?
Me, about to be lost for 45 minutes: No.
ronnui_ / Via twitter.com

Me: I’m a very private person.
Someone: hi.
Me: so i’ll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before i get into the really dark stuff.
SpookyGothLoser / Via twitter.com

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no.
jordan_stratton / Via twitter.com

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5.
home_halfway / Via twitter.com

My sleeping pattern isn’t even a pattern anymore it’s a freestyle.
abrokebeyonce / Via twitter.com

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
madameanthro / Via twitter.com

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us.
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”.
princesscryanna / Via twitter.com

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough.
len0killer / Via twitter.com

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m not going to eat.
Me: I’m gonna go on diet and stick to it.
Me: is that cake?
TheLifeDiaries / Via twitter.com

Mother-in-law: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves.
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*.
mom_ontherocks / Via twitter.com

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
_CakeBawse / Via twitter.com

Preview photo credit: _CakeBawse / twitter.com