I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35.
okaishawty / Via twitter.com

My dad went to a doctors apt with my grandma & found out she was diagnosed with dementia over a year ago but she never told anyone because she forgot lmfaoooo
MaddyBoyd11 / Via twitter.com

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
sophxthompson / Via twitter.com

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl
meowkenxing / Via twitter.com

Being poor is cool cus you’ll be saving up for something you really want and you’ll be almost there and ready to buy it and then your check engine light comes on
MichaelaOkla / Via twitter.com

Why do they keep remaking Disney movies and make the animals look “realistic” if i wanted to see an elephant be sad for over an hour i would go to the zoo
urvillageidiot / Via twitter.com

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
jazz_inmypants / Via twitter.com

I finally got my average resting heart rate down to 65 beats per minute. Only 65 more to go.
DrSprankle / Via twitter.com

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
emdoyl / Via twitter.com

I remember my moms Uncle Joe died and got cremated and we were on the way to the funeral and she said she wanted some coffee and my older brother said “well we got a box ‘a Joe right here” and that didn’t make her laugh
RemmyBux / Via twitter.com

In elementary school when we would have read out loud to the class from the textbook I would literally count the kids in front of me and figure out what section I was reading so I could practice it before it got to my turn & I think that’s where my anxiety started.
rach_simmz / Via twitter.com

Do you ever catch someone looking at your paper during an exam and almost feel bad that they think you’re the right person to cheat off of.
haley_crusee / Via twitter.com

[buying a dog]
hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so
panmidwest / Via twitter.com

My teacher is asking kids “Did you get anything for Valentine’s Day?” If a kid says no she puts candy on their desk. When she got to me she didn’t even ask she just put it on my desk.
PoppyHarlow7 / Via twitter.com

me to my anxiety: people are focused on themselves. they’re not thinking about you
depression: ever
me: that’s not what i meant
jaboukie / Via twitter.com

Just learned our 9y/o did an experiment on us. Lost tooth, told no one for 3d, kept tooth under his pillow. No $. Then he tells us he lost the tooth, next night there is money under his pillow. Then confronted us with his scientific evidence that the tooth fairy isn’t real.
RogueDadMD / Via twitter.com

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
smithsara79 / Via twitter.com

*on Ellen*
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
Doughbvy / Via twitter.com

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
ZachSvobodny / Via twitter.com

I jokingly reminded my grandpa that we were the only single people in the family and he seriously reminded me that’s only because his wife died.
hansdickie / Via twitter.com

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
primawesome / Via twitter.com

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news.
KylePlantEmoji / Via twitter.com

Preview photo credit: panmidwest / twitter.com