I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.
Cup_of_Madness / Via reddit.com
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
kpiog / Via reddit.com
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Well the flag’s a big plus.
Rookie2Reddit / Via reddit.com
Courtesy of my daughter-
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can’t opener.
AlBundysLoveChild / Via reddit.com
Say what you want about deaf people.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Mjh132 / Via reddit.com
What’s blue and not very heavy?
schroeder8306 / Via reddit.com
They say smoking kills, but it cures salmon.
Shenanuggins / Via reddit.com
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
ronin1066 / Via reddit.com
Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
(Wait for them to say Rrrrrr)
A: Yarr, yee’d think so, but me first love be the C!
vindianajones / Via reddit.com
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
lorax_lem / Via reddit.com
Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says ” May I just say one word?” Sure she replies.” Plethora” The widow says” Thanks. That means a lot”
wrigly2 / Via reddit.com
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.
agrets / Via reddit.com
A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three. He counted, “Uno, dos…” and disappeared without a tres.
to_the_tenth_power / Via reddit.com
Why can’t hedgehogs just share the hedge?
spiderbabyinapram / Via reddit.com
Two whales are drunk at a bar. One whale says… (make long whale coo-ing noises until everyone around you is pretty uncomfortable. Like I’m not sh*tting you, at least 1-2 full minutes of weird off pitch whale noises)
The other whale says… (Do a deep inhale like you’re about to make more weird whale noises and so that everyone around you almost gets pissed and unfriends you on Facebook) “Go home, Frank. You’re drunk”
ApplejacksAndBoners / Via reddit.com
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
joanna810 / Via reddit.com
What’s a pirate’s least favourite letter?
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
MK2555GSFX / Via reddit.com
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second “ have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “ good thing I‘m a helicopter”
twistedstar44 / Via reddit.com
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references … no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Puchojenso / Via reddit.com