#1
Customer: I’ll have a margarita, and don’t give me one of those communist paper straws, I want a plastic straw like an American.”

Server: “My apologies, sir, but we’re currently trying to ‘Make Oceans Great Again.’”
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#2
Angry Customer: “Do you know who I am?!”

Cashier: “Someone help this guy– he doesn’t know who he is!”
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#3
*Woman buying wine and cookies

Cashier: “Do you want your receipt?”

Woman: “Does this look like a transaction I want to remember.”
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#4
Barista: “Hey man, the usual?”

Man: “Just the coffee today, I can’t afford a sandwich.”

*Barista brings him his coffee and a sandwich

Barista: “Don’t worry, it’s on me.”

Man: “Oh no I meant like I can’t afford it in terms of calories.”
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#5
Cashier: “I think I know you from somewhere.”

Customer: “I have a big following on Instagram.”

Cashier: “Don’t you work at the car wash on 3rd?”

Customer: “Yes. It could also be from there.”
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#6
Girl: “I have 100k instagram followers. If I tag this place in a photo, can I get a free meal?”

Waiter: “Instagram followers are not an accepted currency here.”
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#7
At LAX over the loud speaker: “Would a dog by the name of Ray please report to gate 2. Your owner is waiting for you at gate 2. A dog by the name of Ray.”
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#8
“How was your date?”

“Surprisingly good considering who I am.”
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#9
Ambulance Driver over loudspeaker, at red light: “Attention, gentleman in the blue Mercedes… You have a very cute dog.”
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#10
“Are you still dating that a*shole, Tim?”

“We’re engaged.”
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#11
Kid: “Mommy always brings the reusable shopping bags from home.”

Dad: “She also takes 30 minute showers and drivers a Range Rover. I love the Earth more.”
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#12
“How’s your girl, are things any better than they were?”

“We haven’t talked and her cat unfollowed me on Instagram, so no, I think it’s done.”
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#13
“So what do you do?”

“Like, to look this good or for a living?”
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#14
“I need to go to therapy but I can’t afford it.”

“That’s okay just write down all your problems and I’ll tell them to MY therapist, pretend they’re MY problems and tell you what advice she gives me.”
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#15
Man yelling at his barking dog: “Learn to coexist!”
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#16
Dad to daughter: “No, I won’t buy you a vegan chia pudding. Eat an ice cream like everyone else.”
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#17
Teacher: “What’s your favorite color?”

6-Year-Old Girl: “Rose gold.”
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#18
Girl opens door to Uber Pool: “Whoa. Sorry. I’ll cancel. Someone’s aura in here hit me too crazy.”
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#19
Trainer: “I know this hurts now…but what’s going to hurt more is when you’re wearing a t-shirt at that pool party.”
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#20
Protest Sign: “Without Hermione, Harry would have died in Book One.”
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