First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
ItsAndyRyan / Via twitter.com


ridethewildhaze / Via twitter.com

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
AlishaRai / Via twitter.com


sarayasin / Via twitter.com


dami_lee / Via twitter.com


genericgaystuff / Via twitter.com


sidekicktetra / Via twitter.com

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
_elvishpresley_ / Via twitter.com


eleanorbate / Via twitter.com

My grandmother has a new “friend” at her retirement community. He takes her shopping and to get her hair and nails done.
She told me that his wife doesn’t mind because she has Alzheimer’s.
laa_ren / Via twitter.com


bethanyrutter / Via twitter.com


RoisinRadio / Via twitter.com

Sorry I cannot hold your baby I am not confident I would save it over my phone if I dropped them both
Brocklesnitch / Via twitter.com

you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
yoiain / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: ridethewildhaze / twitter